Soulshadows - The Rice Children by Michael Cornetto - Series, Short - An ancient tale that asks the timeless question, is it better to be fed, or dead? 26 pages - pdf, format


Part of the Soulshadows series.

Michael,

I like the new title better.
Hope you get lots of reads. It's a good story.

Bert,

You did a good job again.
As far as Tanis go, I like her. I can see and hear her when I read.

I got to read it.

SPOILERS!

I enjoyed how Tanis is eating rice. Keeping the theme of the story alive even outside of the story that's going to be told. I hope that continues on, Bert.  

To the story:

Duty is a b****. Lol.

I liked the series of shots (even though they seemed more like flashbacks). But it served its purpose in moving the story along and bringing life to these characters. I'm interested in a bit of Song's history in regards to his mother, which leads me to the orphanage scene.  

That orphanage scene between Song and Ling can be expanded a bit especially revolving around remember their mothers. And some of the dialogue in that scene can be trimmed such as:

Song
What do you remember?

Ling
I remember the way she smelled -- Jasmine ...

Other than that, I liked the tale as a whole, especially Bert's last line. Great job guys.

Gabe

Hey Michael

SPOILERS!!!!

The beginning of this tale is a little slow but I liked the introduction of the characters and demise and buriel of Chin.

Ling's discovery of her mothers murderer was good and truth be told I never saw that coming, nor did I see the ending coming either.

As I read this I was a little dissappointed, the set up was good but I fell into the trap that the story was going to be about Ling and Song's escape...but I was plesently surprised when this turned into a good little ghost story.  Wei's character was well written and you believe that HE believes that was he does is right.  I did feel a bit sad for him.

I think this could have drifted toward cheesey, with the introduction of Ling's mother's ghost guiding her but it worked well as did Wei's fate.

For some strange reason this reminded me of one my favourite films 'The Devil's Backbone'.

I really enjoyed this episode, oh and Tanis was good again too.  Just hope I don't have to wait as long for the next episode.

Hey,

Now that there's two episodes of this up it's easier to see what you guys are aiming for.  I gotta say though, Mr. Citizen, this was a little more of a miss for me than a hit.  What I liked about it is that you gave it a poetic like atmosphere.  At first I was thinking, you know, these people are talking weird, but then I saw that it blended in with everything else.  The use of the supernatural was a nice touch, and revealing Wei as Ling's father at the end was a nice twist.  Also, one of my complaints on Episode 1 was that Tanis spoke too much in the opening, and that was reduced by about half here which I think worked much better.  Her closing comments were also very effective.

What didn't work for me though is that the story as a whole felt very slow and, I think on a greater aspect, it wasn't as in your face as Episode 1.  By in your face I mean basically beckoning you to question what's going on.  I didn't feel that here.  It was mostly just going through the motions waiting for the "whoa" factor, which I'm guessing is going to be a regularity with this series...which is good!

As I mentioned with the dialogue being poetic, the characters also matched up nicely with that and the imagery with the rice fields was excellent and the ending, much like Episode 1, was a good way to go out with the revealing of Wei, the submissive death of Ling, and then her little "hey, I'm okay" thing with Song.  That was fine.  That was a good way to wrap things up, but the build up I would have liked a little more wonder, a little faster pace, that kind of stuff.

I like where this series is going.  You don't see many TV shows that have a new story in a new world with new characters in every episode...in fact the only one I can think of is Twilight Zone, as I referenced in my review of Episode 1.  Good stuff, guys.

I liked the set up.

And with the story, i can really imagine what these characters are saying. Nothing seems too cheesed up. Just...genuine. Liked the scene around page 8 where the two go into background and how they are.

I have to admit i was worried with Ling's mother coming in, guiding her... but that worked out well too. I never saw the ending coming btw.

This series to me is going for a type of Twilight Zone type...i think the Cryptors Crypt Keeper(something or other) was similar. But that was so long ago i can't remember.

Haven't read the first epi, but i figure i should. I'll be getting on that.

I liked this a lot! Can't wait for the next epi!

Don,

Thanks for posting this so quickly.  Cheers mate.  I hope your server problems are few and far between.

Me,

Yep, I like the new title too.

Gabe,

Yep, I've worked and reworked that bit of dialogue quite a bit.  It's been trimmed and untrimmed.  It all depends upon the week.  I did want Song to ask though because I didn't want Ling to volunteer  the information.

Alffy,

Happy to hear you like it.  I know the begining was a bit on the slow side but I thought it was appropriate for their pace of life.  

Greg,

Sorry you thought it was a bit more of a miss than a hit.  Can't please them all.  I was hoping to kind of capture a buddhist feel to the whole thing - it isn't going to be for everyone.

BryMo,

Glad you enjoyed it and pleased that I surprised you with the ending.  Be sure to check out more of the series as it becomes available.  There's some real treats in store.

Bert,

Liked what you did with Tanis in this one.  Especially thought the transition were quite good. I'm happy we picked you to do the narration.

Cheers for the reads and comments everyone.

Hey Michael, cool story man.

The whole thing had a really good structure and the pacing made for an interesting read.

I liked the early reference to the buddha, and how they both talked about their mothers. Set-up the final act well.

Bert

Tanis was well done again. Transitions were great.

***I'm worried about mine, cos I've really liked these first two.

Ste

Hi guys.  Just wanted to pop onto Cornetto's thread with a quick "thanks" of my own.

Quoted from Mr. Ripley Keeping the theme of the story alive even outside of the story that's going to be told. I hope that continues on...

Yeah, that is what I hope to do with each of these episodes.

Quoted from Greg ...one of my complaints on Episode 1 was that Tanis spoke too much in the opening, and that was reduced by about half here which I think worked much better.

Yes, I agree.  I felt the segment for the pilot, introducing the character, needed a little more space.  But from here on I think that getting her in and out quickly is the best way to go.

Quoted from BryMo ...i think the...Crypt Keeper...was similar.

Yeah, that was kind of the model, only a little different.  In the first episode, you will find that I cribbed a few other things from that style -- where the approach to Tanis' cave is alot like the approach to the Crypt-Keeper's basement.

Quoted from Ste I'm worried about mine, cos I've really liked these first two.

Haha...you sound just like Pia.  I already have some ideas for yours, Ste.

Thanks again for your thoughts and comments.

I read Pia's offline, so I guess this is my first official Soulshadows review.

The Tanis bits, honestly, I liked, but the way the character speaks just doesn't strike me as being a young girl.  I get a heavy Mother Abigail vibe here, which is to say...old.

The Rice Children story, I liked.  On the surface, it was an incredibly simple story, but I think it moved a long well enough.  I think if I really had to pick a beef, it would be that it's probably a little longer than it needs to be, more in the beginning, but with the page parameters of the series I think this is unavoidable.  I actually had the same issue with my own script.

Anyway, after reading the first two scripts of the series, I think everything is on the right track in regards to the theme.

Ste, Shelton

Thanks for the read and I'm glad you liked it.  

Ste,

Don't worry about yours - they are all meant to be different.

Shelton,

Yep, we're all so used to short shorts lately that anything longer than 10 pages seems slow.  I read yours, I didn't think it was slow at all. You just took your time telling the story.

Thanks again guys!

I just noticed this script is under shorts instead of series...

I thought we wanted it in series for all of them.

There's a Soulshadows "sticky thread" that has both episodes listed in it, so I guess it's sort of in Series, just that the Rice Children link leads to the shorts section.

allo allo, what's tis souls shadow buisness I keep 'earing about?

This was a great script. Superb writing and a great plot. Like a Chinese Ghost Story.

and I can't believe it's a Mcornetto script. Isn't this the same Mcornetto who writes about weird demon sex beach parties, homo erotic bum sex adventures in ancient Rome and bad arse lawn ornaments who murder?

The descriptions are perfect and I could easily visualize the sweat and mud and feel the heat as I read.

The only thing I can gripe about is maybe the dialouge. It just felt weird like as if everone speak english in sterotypical asian accent.

The one thing that cracked me up was Tanis. I picture her as a big furry bright green Sesame Street muppet. Well, she speak third person like Elmo.    

Hey Glenn,

Thanks for the read and the comments and happy that you enjoyed it.  As far as the dialogue goes, I was trying to keep the language simple enough for the theme and make it sound different than native English speakers but you can't help being influenced somewhat by the stereotypes you are bombarded with.  I'll have a look at it and see if there's anyway I can improve it.

Cheers.